Sometimes I think I am addicted to pain. After having chronic pain for two years, I want to know how much pain I can stand. But no matter how much pain I am in, I still live. I don’t understand. I will put myself in more pain for no reason because I can. At least there is a scar a reason I hurt. The extra pain never makes me feel better after the fact. But I keep doing it. There may be only one cut but that doesn’t mean I don’t pick at it and try to make it not heal. The scar is the source of pain that I can see, that I can understand. Chronic pain is not like that…there is no reason. I can’t handle that. I need to rationalize but my rationalization are faulty. Yet I continue to make myself believe I am doing what is right. Deep down I know it isn’t but I push those thoughts away. It scares me.
I am a waitress. I love my job; it is great most of the time. I have Complex Regional Pain Syndrome so being able to waitress is a big deal to me since some days I can’t even walk. I am not able to carry large trays of food because is the weight and the amount of pain that will ensure. Today my manager carried out a large tray for me and I helped place the food down. As she was leaving she asked, “Is there anything else I can do for you?” The older man jokingly said,”Yeah, can we get a new waitress? One that can carry out our food.” I was so surprised that someone could say that. Smiling faking, I left the table and avoided them until I was less upset. That hurt. People need to watch what they say.
Never fail to remember the importance of company
Intelligence is how a person uses their knowledge.
Just because life is not going your way doesn’t mean it isn’t going the right way.
At the beginning of each day write down three goals and three coping skills to help you accomplish those goals. This should be enough goals for the day without overdoing it and making things worse. Also if you have pain regularly, it is wise to rate your pain.
At night write three good and positive things that happened during the day. And again if you have pain rate it again. This will help you decide if what you are doing during the during the day is productive.
See I have non-epileptic seizures and when they happen in a public place: it is unfortunate. I was in a locker room at the gym my dad and I go. This meant my dad wasn’t there to tell the onlookers not to call 9-1-1. I the ambulance people gave me this stuff to sleep and I am serious I have never slept so good. However it was completely unnecessary because I would have stopped on my own. The rest of my day was a complete wash because of that stuff. Literally I slept for over eight hours yesterday. Like really people I could have been doing something productive. But instead, I was stuck trying to explain to doctors that I was fine and this happened all the time. Then they called my neurologist, who decided that I only had this because I was dehydrated. How can that even happen? Somehow I doubt that is the problem.
I have never made a blog so it might take me awhile to get the hang of it. Anyway, eventually I will have different categories of posts. These are the ones I have thought of so far: dealing with pain, organizing a day, talking to doctors (and just people who want to know about your illness) , art and crafts, fun hair styles to try when you have nothing better to do, stuff to do in general, and my personal favorite…rant session.
limitedtimeunlimitedfun 
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