Sometimes I think I am addicted to pain. After having chronic pain for two years, I want to know how much pain I can stand. But no matter how much pain I am in, I still live. I don’t understand. I will put myself in more pain for no reason because I can. At least there is a scar a reason I hurt. The extra pain never makes me feel better after the fact. But I keep doing it. There may be only one cut but that doesn’t mean I don’t pick at it and try to make it not heal. The scar is the source of pain that I can see, that I can understand. Chronic pain is not like that…there is no reason. I can’t handle that. I need to rationalize but my rationalization are faulty. Yet I continue to make myself believe I am doing what is right. Deep down I know it isn’t but I push those thoughts away. It scares me.
I am a waitress. I love my job; it is great most of the time. I have Complex Regional Pain Syndrome so being able to waitress is a big deal to me since some days I can’t even walk. I am not able to carry large trays of food because is the weight and the amount of pain that will ensure. Today my manager carried out a large tray for me and I helped place the food down. As she was leaving she asked, “Is there anything else I can do for you?” The older man jokingly said,”Yeah, can we get a new waitress? One that can carry out our food.” I was so surprised that someone could say that. Smiling faking, I left the table and avoided them until I was less upset. That hurt. People need to watch what they say.
I think I am going to explode. Really, I am serious. The amount of essays I have written is crazy! Everything is just piling up! Ahhh
you know you are jealous of my hat! you wish you had a hat that this for your 18th birthday!
Having depression was part of the reason I transferred to online schooling. When I did not get into back into my school of choice for health issues, I did not want to go to public school for my senior year. So online school it was! I was a little scared I would not be motivated enough. But as it turns out being in three AP classes and two others plus trying to finish by Christmas is a fair amount a work. I want to finish so bad that I have spent probably over 20 hours in three days. This is actually very rewarding.
In the valley of despair is where I lay. Day after day waiting for the strength to climb up over the mountains. I strain to see what is on the other side of life. But every time I get close to enough to see a glimpse, the rough terrine pulls me back down. Lower then I was before and the motivation to move ceases. The weight of the earth crushing on top of me. Leaving me even more powerless and feeling completely defeated.
I need a medical bracelet. All I know for sure is I want a pretty one. If I have to wear it all the time it should be at least pretty right? I know it is necessary but I can’t help but feeling like I am being labeled. Like we don’t really know how to deal with you so we are gonna put this bracelet on you. But maybe it will minimize pointless ER trips.
limitedtimeunlimitedfun 
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