Sometimes I think I am addicted to pain. After having chronic pain for two years, I want to know how much pain I can stand. But no matter how much pain I am in, I still live. I don’t understand. I will put myself in more pain for no reason because I can. At least there is a scar a reason I hurt. The extra pain never makes me feel better after the fact. But I keep doing it. There may be only one cut but that doesn’t mean I don’t pick at it and try to make it not heal. The scar is the source of pain that I can see, that I can understand. Chronic pain is not like that…there is no reason. I can’t handle that. I need to rationalize but my rationalization are faulty. Yet I continue to make myself believe I am doing what is right. Deep down I know it isn’t but I push those thoughts away. It scares me.
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