Sometimes I think I am addicted to pain.  After having chronic pain for two years, I want to know how much pain I can stand.  But no matter how much pain I am in, I still live.  I don’t understand. I will put myself in more pain for no reason because I can.  At least there is a scar a reason I hurt.  The extra pain never makes me feel better after the fact.  But I keep doing it.  There may be only one cut but that doesn’t mean I don’t pick at it and try to make it not heal.  The scar is the source of pain that I can see, that I can understand.  Chronic pain is not like that…there is no reason.  I can’t handle that.  I need to rationalize but my rationalization are faulty.  Yet I continue to make myself believe I am doing what is right.  Deep down I know it isn’t but I push those thoughts away.  It scares me.